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I’m in the mood to blog. I don’t really know what I want to blog about. I am sitting thinking about love and relationships and I’ve come to the conclusion that I have no idea why I try. I am not really depressed or anything, but I am a little disappointed. I had lunch today with someone who I really enjoy. If I had taken everything I was looking for in a woman and put it down on paper, it would describe her to a tee. But she has always made it perfectly clear she wants to only be friends. (Story of my life really). Besides, she has a boyfriend that she is in a long term, long distance relationship with, and she is not looking for anyone else. Plus, I’m 8 years older then her, which is a lot for her. Well that was until lunch. Today she told me how she’s no longer with the boyfriend, but has “sort of started” seeing another guy here she’s been “just friends” with. He’s my age too.

Now I’m not mad, and I understand that I am not owed or due anything. I was never promised anything and I didn’t really expect anything. Hoped, prayed and begged, but never expected. It’s just not my type of luck. I very much enjoy her friendship and really like being around her, but I think it would be easier to deal with a boyfriend across the ocean then across the room. (Jealousy is a terrible thing.)

But it leads me to wonder what the hell is wrong with me. I know I’m a great person, everyone always tells me so. But at the same time I know I am not the most beautiful person in the world either. (This guy is skinny and good looking, bastard). I’m no Brad Pitt, but I don’t think I’m ugly either, in my own opinion. Yeah I can use to lose some more weight, but shit, I’ve seen MUCH fatter guys with great women. I’m funny, I have a great personality and I bend over backwards for people. But I am never lucky in love.

I’m a pretty spiritual person. I try to leave my life up to G-d. I try not to ask G-d for someone. I think it’s selfish because I want to keep the prayer lines open for people who are truly in trouble and need genuine help, like to feed their family or for a sick Kid or something. I think that is so much more important then praying for a cure for my loneliness. I know everyone says that there is someone out there for everyone, but maybe there isn’t. Why can’t there be some people out there that are destined to be alone forever to teach people who have love to cherish that gift they have? I am reminded of the quote that says, “If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll have to be a horrible warning.” Some people are put here to die to warn others. Maybe being eternally alone is the same.

Now, stuff like this used to make me very sad and depressed. Not this time. I have faith. I am disappointed but I am not going to mope and cry. If I am destined to be alone forever then that is just what it’s going to be. Maybe I’m trying too hard and looking to much. Maybe I need to control my imagination and just understand that I not what most girls look for. That what’s supposed to happen, will happen. But I’m not a wait and see kind of guy. I’m impatient and a hopeless romantic. I keep imagining life like a movie scene, and life is anything but.

Oh well. Love sucks, but life is beautiful.