BlogADoodle.org

OK, I get it. Today I got it.

I’ve been working on this really angry blog in my head for the last couple of hours. I’ve been really pissed after getting disrespected at work, by work YET AGAIN. I don’t love my job as it is, but some days I really don’t like it. Don’t get me wrong, it has it’s good days, but if I had an other skill I’d probably do that instead. I never planned on doing this for a living, it was only supposed to be a side thing and then 8 years later I can’t help but wonder what happened to my life plans? But days like today really make me doubt the course I’ve allowed my life to take and wonder what it’s actually going to take to make me get over my fear of change.

I’ve been pretty unhappy with my position lately. I was recently involuntarily moved from a position I really worked hard to achieve. It was a very proud moment for me when I got it and while it had it’s flaws (working outside in the South Texas summer heat was no fun), I enjoyed it and worked my ass off doing it. They can never say I did a bad job or was lazy. Then one day I wouldn’t screw over another supervisor for the sake of mine and it’s all been down hill ever since.

I was sent out of town by my department for a week, for a retreat to teach youths leadership skills. When I came back I find out I was moved. No warning, nobody called me to discuss it or tell me it was going to happen, I just come in Monday morning and “Oh by the way, you don’t work there anymore,.” When I asked why I was told, “You said you didn’t want to do it any more.” That was bullshit of course. I said hated it in the summer because I hated sweating like a pig all day, but I never said I wanted to do something else. Either way, I wasn’t asked, I wasn’t talked to, they just moved me.

But whatever, I was put in a different division for the same boss and though bitter, I’ve done my job and done it well. Then today I get a phone call to come the office. I go in and I’m handed orders stating I am being moved to a different division effective Saturday. Back to what I used to do before I came to this specialized unit. No explanation, no discussion no nothing. Here’s the paperwork, good luck, see you later.

Now I guess I should sidebar and state that I technically got what I asked for. After being moved from what I wanted to do I figured I might as well go back to doing what I was doing and not have to deal with being on-call and being placed outside for hours on end for every special assignment that comes their way. Also if I go back my schedule is set in stone instead of having my hours changed on a whim. So I did ask that when a position becomes available that is during the daylight I be given the opportunity to put in for it.

But the part that irked me about this situation is the total lack of respect. I’ve been loyal for over 2 years to this division and I don’t even get the respect to be told, by the way, this position has opened up. Do the day’s off work for you? Are you interested in this? Or even , “Just wanted to give you a heads up that we are going to have this position open up and we are going to move you to it, so you might want to prepare because if you have something planned, your schedule is going to change.”

It’s the same crap as last time, I get blindsided. I get “Here’s your paperwork, later.” Of course I’m not gonna give them any satisfaction so I was lake “Hey Great! Just what I wanted!” But man was I fuming pissed.

So to the point of my original statement. It’s been a hot and sunny day all day today. It was humid and sticky all day, but it was clear. As I was driving home from work I was still angry and hurt. I was feeling the effects of my regional disenchantment syndrome I’ve spoken of before (http://blogadoodle.org/reflecting-on-a-reflection/ ), and was daydreaming of packing everything and leaving this place. As I was getting close to the house I couldn’t help but realize that I could feel that sense of depression slowly creep closer, as it has more often lately.

Then I heard it. The thunder clap caught me slightly off guard. I hadn’t realized it, but I was driving right into a heavy rain squall. It was a wall of grey. It’s a strange phenomena that I’ve only seen here in Texas and in Colorado. You can literally see the edge of a storm. You can have one hand stretched out to your side completely dry, without even a single raindrop touching it, while the other is drenched clear through. As I pulled into it, my automatic windshield wipers kicked on and I started thinking about how hard the rain was hitting my car. I started looking at the huge and deep puddles that formed on the road and tried to run through as many as possible. (Yes you read that right, for some reason I really like the feeling as the car plows into deep water, causing the car to bog and spray water like a boat. I don’t know what that’s about.)

Moments earlier, I actually was trying to keep myself from crying in frustration. All of a sudden I wasn’t even thinking about work. As I backed into my garage I reached for the garage door opener to close the door, but couldn’t press the button. I was mesmerized by the raindrops. They were huge and I could make them out individually as they fell. I got out of my car in my garage and took off my work shirt and gear and emptied my pockets. As if pulled by something, I walked out onto my driveway and let the rain wash over me. It was cold for a few seconds but it was invigorating.

I had an Ah-Ha moment followed by an epiphany. I thought of my brother and sister because they would always walk out and stand in the thunderstorms ( http://knucklesandteeth.unplugthesun.com/?p=92 ) and for the first time I had my own connection as to maybe why they do it. That was the Ah-Ha. But then the epiphany.

I am not claiming to understand their motivation for doing it. Everyone gets something else out if it, I’m sure. But I suddenly had a realization that made me feel so much better about today. It completely took away all my bitterness. Everyone has their own beliefs, I happen to be a substantially spiritual person. As people slowed to look at me like a crazy person as they drove by (I live on an extremely busy street), I couldn’t help but feel this was a huge text message from G-d. (Sorry for my non-believing friends and relatives, you might want to skim a bit.)

Don’t roll your eyes at me, just listen (read). I was soaked, and every raindrop hitting my body was electricity. But I prayed it rain harder, cause it was slowing. As I looked up to the sky I noticed something strange. All around me I could see the blue sky. The sun was even shining through. But there was a huge rain cloud over me.

 

 

 

 I started to think of this e-mail I had just read that goes on and on about G-d being in the little things, but one slide struck out to me at that moment:

 

The slideshow goes on to state, “I found this a great reminder that G-d is always around us in the little and simple things that we take for granted…”

I watched as the rain swept trash away that was in the roadway. Dirt was being washed off the cars in my neighbors drive. I couldn’t help feel as if I had been slightly cleansed as well. It took this action, the rain on my body, to change my mood. It made me realize that if I want change in my life I would also have take an action to achieve that change.

I’m not as angry about the job any more. I am going to use it as another motivating factor to get my house done and sold so I can get out of this place I hate so much. This job is just how I am going to pay for my escape from hell. And besides, in 2 weeks I leave for an incredible 3 week adventure. And shortly after returning I hope to be promoted, which just means more money towards my escape, cause one way or another I’m getting out of here before I’m 35.

In the mean time, I’m waiting for the next thunderstorm. Come on Hurricane Gustav, show me what you got!!!

The non-believers may exit now (if you’re still even here). I leave off sharing my favorite verse from Isaiah:

12In that day, you shall say:
“I give thanks to You, O LORD!
Although You were wroth with me,
Your wrath has turned back and You comfort me,
2Behold the God who gives me triumph!
I am confident, unafraid;
For Yah the LORD is my strength and might,
And He has been my deliverance.

3Joyfully shall you draw water
From the fountains of triumph,
4And you shall say on that day:
Praise the LORD, proclaim His name.
Make His deeds known among the peoples;
Declare that His name is exalted.
5Hymn the LORD,
For He has done gloriously;
Let this be made known
In all the world!

6Oh, shout for joy,
You who dwell in Zion!
For great in your midst
Is the Holy One of Israel.”

-ISAIAH 12.1:6