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Last week was my in-service week at work. The state requires 40 Hours of Continuous Education Training every year in order to keep my peace officers license current, so my department mandates it. In in-service you learn about all the changes to the laws, some new skills, refresher courses like CPR and skills sharpening exercises like Range firing.

Well this year they offered us the opportunity; on a purely voluntary basis; to experience what a peckerwood feels when you light his ass up with a Taser. For those that are unfamiliar with the Taser, it is a “less lethal” intermediate weapon that fires 2 prongs at a subject. Upon making contact it emits an electrical charge that knocks you on your ass! It can be set for 3 seconds or 5 seconds intervals and let me tell you…. 3 seconds is more then enough to let you know that you don’t want that shit to happen again.

If you’d like to see some of Taser’s videos from their website, you can go here:

http://www.defenseproducts101.com/taser_video.html

If you want to be certified to carry it in my department, you have to get zapped yourself. The point is that if you realize how much it sucks, you’re not going to abuse it. I’ve been wanting to experience it for some time now so I jumped at the opportunity. The problem was that as I was taking off my gun belt and gear my friend Aaron volunteered to go first. As I am standing 3 inches from him, I have the “pleasure” of watching him get lit, locking up stiff as a board, and then letting out the shrill of “stop it, stop it, stop it…” all the way to the ground. (You’re lowered to the ground by 2 people who are holding on to you so you don’t drop like a sack of shit and hurt yourself). The contortion of his face was something I’ve only seen on people after arriving at the scene of horrific major accidents… and those faces are usually followed by a final gasp…

At this point, my excitement turns to horror. I’ve already said I was going to do this. Aaron did it cause I said I was going to. Other people said they were going to do it because I said I was going to do it. Now my brain is screaming, “Run Away!!! Run you big fucking idiot, RUN!!!” But it’s too late. You can’t back out after your buddy has been fried so I go for it.

The set up is the most agonizing part. Your nerves are just completely shot, standing there knowing you’re about to get electrocuted. And Aaron stand there and repeatedly saying, “That was a long 3 seconds motherfucker,” over and over again sure doesn’t help. And as Buck is standing behind you getting ready to roast your ass, he’s messing with your head going, “Did you say 5 seconds or 3?” The whole time this is going on, all that keeps going on in your head is… “God, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Don’t let me scream like a girl or pee on myself!!!!! PLEASE!!!!” And then Showtime…

I wanted to see if I could move or fight while getting hit because 1% of the public is completely unaffected by Tasers. While I was able to wiggle around that was about all I could do. As soon as I tried to take a step my knees gave and I was being lowered to the ground. I am proud to say that I didn’t scream… but I did let out a yell as I was going down. Apparently something about the tightening of the muscles and going vertical takes all the air out of your lungs. They say it inadvertent. The whole time all you can think of is this indescribable feeling you are going through. It’s pain, but then it’s discomfort, but then there’s this horrible feeling of helplessness. You can not do anything, no matter how much you try. You’re telling your leg to move but it’s not responding. You can actually sense interference with you synaptic nerves and it’s disconcerting. You keep thinking over and over and over, please just stop already. It’s the longest 3 seconds of my life. There were so many thoughts going on in that 3 second period that it honestly felt like 18-20 seconds. And then it’s over. As soon as it stops, there is no residual effects. I laid on the ground till they got the prongs out, then I stood up and that was that. I had injured my elbow a week prior at the gym and now it was tender from the muscles clenching so violently and tight, but that was all.

I am now a huge fan of this tool and hope to be issued one in the future.

This video of me was shot on a cell phone so it’s not the best, but you get the point.  Turn up the volume and you can actually hear the crackle of electricity coming off the taser into my ass…