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How did this happen AGAIN!? I actually got to a point in my adult life where I actually felt attractive. I’m talking the attractive where I would walk around in uniform and numbers would magically appear in my pocket. OK, that was like 4 years ago, but that’s part of the point. I have the unfortunate displeasure of having a full length mirror right next to mmy shower. I walked by it last night on the way to the shower and it made me shiver. When you’re naked and you look like me, the last thing you want to do is shiver. Out of nowhere I heard Bill Cosby hawking Jello Jigglers.  Ugh.

The problem is that I have an unnatural positive self image.  I know that most of the people who know me are going to say, “What the heck are you talking about, you always talk bad about yourself.”  But that’s the negative self worth as it relates to the psychological aspect.  I’m talking about the minds eye picture, how you actually see yourself physically.  I know I’m overweight, so when I say I’m fat I know I’m not lying.  But I guess it’s really hard to gauge ones girth until you actually see it in relation to something else.  Like the first time I lost all that weight.  it was after seeing pictures of myself in a wedding.  Up until that point I had not really though of myself as obese, just thick.  So to see myself in those photos was shocking and a complete blindsiding experience.  It motivated me to make a serious and substantial change, which I did.

So now here I am, what 4 or 5 years later.  That aforementioned couple is splitting, and so are the seams in my pants.  And I didn’t see it coming (The second part, not the first).   I mean I felt a little heavier, but how did I get from a healthy 237 back up to 300 lbs?  I mean besides eating too much and exercising too little, SHUT IT with that smart mouth of yours!  I don’t understand how I lose focus so easily.  I’ve turned lazy into an art form.  But what annoys me about the whole thing is that I really, truly like working out.  I enjoy going to the Gym and usually spend 2 and a half hours there, but I don’t regularly have the energy to go, so it’s like once one week, twice the next.  That’s not going to cut it.  I’ve got this great bike which I really enjoy riding but the heat is so stifling that it’s impossible to ride more then 20 minutes before you’re begging for oxygen.  I enjoy jogging, same problem as bike riding, then add the pain in the hips, knees and ankles for days that is usually associated with a 300lb jackhammer pounding away at you for a period of time.

I think a major part of this issue relates to my regional disenchantment syndrome.  It’s a level 3 physiological disorder which I just made up that causes the onset of depression brought in due to being located in a shit hole city that you are dying to leave but being without the resources to get out.  In all seriousness, I’m about the most depressed I’ve ever been, and it’s probably time to go talk to someone.  I am miserable, and that not only equates to not being able to stay motivated, but I’m always tired, I can’t focus, and I’ve essentially bogged myself down so much with thinking about how much I hate this place, my house, my job and my life, that I can’t seem to find time to pencil me in.  The only solace I’ve had is the 2 weeks vacation away from this place, and now that’s even in jeopardy.  So it’s hard to focus on how I look.  In turn, that shows how feeling icky on the inside eventually leads to looking icky on the outside.

The other part of this is that after my recent eye surgery I was not permitted to bend forward at the waist, exert or pick up anything over 5lbs. for 4 months.  I am a creature of preventing the creation and sustaining of habits, so 4 months out the gym is pretty much a death sentence for structure.  It becomes damn near impossible for me to start back up religiously, and as of yet I haven’t been able get back into it.

So until some recent photos had come into light, I really didn’t think It has gotten this out of hand.  But alas, I still don’t feel I have reached the bottom quite yet.  Maybe once I sell my house I’ll be able to alleviate a ton of stress and can get back to living healthy to remove a ton of meat from my ass.

In the mean time, I am going to continue trying to get to the gym as often as I can, eat as healthy as I can focuse on, and continue to only take shoulder/face photos looking upwards to prevent that facial testiculation look.  And I”m going to pray for lotto money to get me the heck out of Tex-ass.