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Today I sat at my brothers house and looked over his shoulder while he diddled and fiddled with my blog to help me fix some things I hadn’t even a concept of how to begin to do.  I say diddled and fiddled, but in reality, it was like watching them work on the Matrix in the movie of the same name.  It might as well have been Japanese characters up there cause I had no idea what was going on, but zip, click, bippity dip and the picture I wanted was up there right how I wanted it.  I’m a cut and paste guy, He’s an E=MC² kinda guy.

I asked, “did you take a class or is this all textbook?”

“All textbook,” he replied.

Now don’t get me wrong, I taught myself to read and write Hebrew from a text book.  But that’s like watching Michelangelo paint and going, “Well, I taught myself paint by numbers!”

So as I sat there and watched him work, and on the car ride from his house, I lamented a bit about him and our relationship.  I tend to have a very short memory span, so much of my life is full of black holes of time, but of the little memories I do have of my life, my brother and I have actually not had much of a relationship at all (sad to say).  It’s both our fault, or it’s neither of our fault, either way it is what it is.

I always wanted to be my brothers friend as a kid, but it didn’t really work out.  We were on completely different pages.  Plus I guess I embarrassed him growing up (he used to see me coming down the hall in school and turn and go the other way.  If your brother walked around making car noises, you’d probably do the same thing…lol).  I was the dork, never really grew out of it really.  I was choir and drama club (oh yeah, and bowling club), and he was those smart, rebellious kids.  I don’t know what you label his group as.  But my brother always was his own person, and even when I couldn’t stand him, I was envious.

Years went by, we went separate ways living separate lives in different households and grew even further apart.  I was pretty much a jerk throughout my young adult life and I alienated many people in many ways, and that surely didn’t help our relationship out much.  The more I resented him, the more I envied him.  In all of his “obnoxious” ways I saw a person that was his own man, in spite of adversity he stood by his beliefs, society and majority be damned.  It took me a long time to recognize and understand that about him.  For the longest time I did not know how to deal with him, the way he is.  I never felt good enough around him, I always felt judged and stupid.  I hurt a lot for a long time because I just wanted to be good enough to be his friend, but I was always just a relative sitting across the table on special occasions.  The only way I knew how to cope was to just not associate, and for the longest time we didn’t speak a word more then necessary.  That was probably the saddest time of my life.

This isn’t about reliving the negativity of our relationship.  It’s actually about the opposite.  It has only really been a few months since we have started to talk again, and I am grateful for any interaction, however short.  His life is in a state of change right now as he prepares for a new journey.  But I recently had the privilege to read his blogs.  All of them actually, till 3 in the morning.  I’ve always known he was smart.  Hell, he spent most of our childhood telling everyone how he had a 10 point higher IQ then me, or whatever it was.  But as  I read his blogs, for the first time I realized how deep and philosophical he really is.  The way he words things not only makes you laugh, but it gives a visual field that you can actually picture the story as you read through his thoughts.  It’s quite an intellectually enjoyable experience.  Me, I just crap whatever comes out of my head onto the keyboard and hope it doesn’t stink (that’s why the blog was originally called “Out of My Mind,” cause “Shit on the Screen” didn’t sound as appealing.)

I also realized that we actually have some things in common.  I always thought all we shared were parents and siblings.  But it’s amazing to me that he’s going through the exact same things I am going through emotionally these days.  I read many of his posts and say AMEN!   The only difference is that while I say “That’s it, I’m quitting my job, selling my house and moving the heck out of here” every single day,; he’s actually doing it.  Kudos to him. Maybe one day soon I’ll grow a pair and do the same thing.

Yes, I have two great sister that I love and are my best friends.  That’s a relationship that took a while to repair from the wreckage I created as an asinine teen and twenty something.  But the three of us happen to have a lot in common.

On the flip side though, he is my only brother.  I will never have another.  While we’re still in a weird handshake, jolly roger how‘s your father place, I still try to cherish every silly little moment.  I’ve learned to allow the things that drive me crazy go by the wayside and to enjoy those that inspire and impress me.  There have been more of the latter lately, and for that I am grateful.  He’s going to be moving away soon, so I am glad Al Gore invented the internet.  I look forward to learning so much more about this man I’ve always known but never knew.

I’ve never been good at saying I’m sorry.  Pride is a stupid thing.  But I know how to say Thank you.

Thank you for forgiving, and letting me back in.